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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.