Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
